Round and round I go

As I type this entry, I am not sure if it will make it to being a published post. I have a real issue getting this raw on my blog – especially given the fact that I don’t know who actually reads my posts…but I have a need to spew the things that are in my head. It is the best way that I have found to deal with things – hence the reason that I have been blogging for the past 7 years.

I am at a place again that I am not happy about being. For someone who has never had the issue, it is incomprehensible. For those of us who do have panic attacks, you all know exactly what I am talking about. I often joke about popping Zanax like they are candy but reality is that for the past two weeks, I have been taking them almost daily. I do not like being at this point. I don’t like it at all. I feel weak. I feel like I have failed as the super woman that I have worked so hard to turn myself into.

To have to rely on a drug to make my head stop thinking that I am on the verge of a heart attack completely defeats everything that I have worked hard to preach to the masses. I am a drug free gal. I pride myself on filling my bod with food that is good for me. I use meditation to rid myself of headaches. I dig out herbs from the earth to heal myself when my body does break down and I find myself getting a cold. Yet, I pop a prescription drug to make my head not fuck with myself when the going gets tough for me. Because when I feel stress, the first way my body deals with it is to make me feel like my heart is racing out of control. I get to the point that I can’t breathe. If I don’t stop it, I would undoubtedly become a recluse who can not raise her children or take care of her husband.

When I am at this point, it isn’t pretty. I climb into bed at night and the thing I think about when I close my eyes isn’t about being in a comfortable bed, curled up next to my husband, who is my rock. I forget that he is my best friend and how lucky I am. My last thought before I close my eyes is “please let me just wake up tomorrow”. It’s not a happy way of life. I feel very alone. Yet, I know that I am surrounded with people who love me. This isn’t depression. It’s an anxiety disorder. I have been diagnosed. I have been handed a means to control it and I HATE IT.

My biggest question when I find myself here is how in the hell do I dig my way out of it? I think about growing older with this dependency for my sanity. I wonder if my kids are destined to a similar fate. I know that if I keep on with this brain powered yo yo that I am destined to a heart attack or stroke. I know that its not good for me to let my brain go to this place – yet I find myself here. Again. I have dug myself out of this place before. I did it on my own. Went an entire year without the need for the Zanax. I did that. On my own. I need to find a way to do it again. I am releasing the expectations that I have on myself. I realize now that this will be an ongoing battle for me unless I find a way to change the way I tick permanently. Maybe that is what I should obsess about ? Instead of obsessing about the fact that I might short circut someday.

Perhaps I just need to blog more. Get all of this shit out of my head and stop being afraid to be human…well being afraid to actually act human anyway. Here I am world. Psychotic and crazy.

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