Tell me WHY???

I am not sure why but I am a partially negative person. Not one of those whiny icky negative people. I am one of the quietly negative ones. I don’t project that but it is there. Lying just under my happy as hell surface. As a matter of fact, I think my hub is the only one that really sees that side of me. When things happen in our life, I instantly expect the worst. I don’t dwell on it. I just prepare for it. And sometimes, when I am alone/only with hub, I will verbalize these thoughts.

Take for instance, a phone call that I received yesterday from our Realtor. She called to let me know that there has been no progress in our pending move. Not her fault. Not our fault. I was disappointed when she told me but I am happy that they haven’t kicked our offer back. I was just expecting more. So, I had to deal with the disappointment. I did that by trying to be funny about it. Commented about how we would still be living where we are in a year. Telling Hub that at least we wouldn’t have to worry about pulling our holiday decorations out of storage…things like that. Most call that sarcastic.

At bedtime, I made another equally as negative/sarcastic comment about something else. It prompted Hub to ask me why I was so negative. Honestly, I thought about it. I haven’t had a difficult life. It’s been quite wonderful actually. I don’t recall my parents being that way when I was growing up. Yet still, my brain instantly goes there. There first. Before I can hope for the best.

I really feel that it is my way of coping with all that life tosses my way. I prepare for the worst. Work it all out in my head so that I don’t totally lose it should things be as bad as they can be. I choose to verbalize things that maybe most people don’t. Perhaps that is where the fault is. It’s not that I am actually any more negative than anyone else; I just choose to speak it more often. I don’t consider myself a negative person most days. In fact, I am the one that usually convinces everyone that a change in the plan will all work out ok. I am the one who cheerleads everyone along when the road gets rough. Me.

Now, how do I keep my brain from thinking that the cheerleader is going to be witnessing the mass casualties of them all tripping, falling down and breaking their legs? Because that is where my brain is while I am pushing them all forward. That – while I am mentally counting how many band aids I have in the first aid kit.

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